Living in a State of Grace

I was adopted when I was 3 days old.  My parents had been trying to have children for 10 years before they adopted me.  And let me tell you, there was never a luckier baby than this one.  My parents ADORED me.  My mother was the perfect, loving, nurturing mother, and my dad doted on my like I was the best thing God had ever created.  I remember my mom telling me that he used to go to this coffee shop downtown every weekday morning  to have coffee with all his buddies.  One day, when I was about 6 months old, he told my mom to get me dressed, he was taking me with him.  You have to understand that my dad wasn't some mamby pamby guy...he worked as a salesman in the oil field, so whether he was tough or not was not nearly as important as the fact that he acted like he was!  For him to stroll into a busy cafe at 7:00 a.m. where all his buddies were having coffee, carrying a baby and diaper bag, was a HUGE testament to his pride at being a new daddy!

Two and a half years after I as born, they adopted my sister, and two and a half years after that, SURPRISE!  My mom was pregnant!  Looking back, I can see how God built our family just the way He wanted it to be.  Both my sisters are, and always have been, gifts that I will never be able to thank God enough for.  Although when we were kids, I would have said something different lol.

I was not an easy child to raise.  I was very precocious.  I know that comes as a complete shock to anyone that knows me!  Ha!  Seriously, I wasn't a bad kid, I was just...curious.  And independent.  And a teensy tiny bit stubborn.  So for me to have the parents I had, and the sisters I have, and the fact that they all still speak to me, says a lot about their being so loving and me being so blessed!

God put me in a home where the whole family went to church every Sunday.  My parents AND us kids were in Sunday school every Sunday, and when we were old enough, we sang in the church choir and were involved in the youth groups.  I don't remember if my sisters did, but I went to church camp.  My great grandfather on my dad's side was a Methodist Circuit Minister.  So was his dad.  And after my dad died, my mother worked as the church secretary until I was in my teens.  I have been so blessed to be raised in a family where I was taught who Jesus was from a very early age.

Looking back over my life, I can recall countless times that I should have been in more trouble, been injured, or even should have died in various incidents, but Jesus was looking after me and I somehow managed to survive.  I was given Grace.

Maybe that's why I found it so difficult when my life started going south almost 4 years ago. I was used to having God's blessing on my life.  I could not, for the life of me, find a job!  I did everything in my power to find a job!  I pestered friends about getting me interviews at their companies, I emailed, I called, I spent hours on the computer, etc.  Nothing worked.  What makes that remarkable is that I have never in my life had a problem finding a job.  In fact, every job I've had since 1993 has been a job that I was recruited for.  The last time I got a job from applying blindly to an ad, was in 1988.  I just couldn't understand why God was blocking me!

Looking back, I see exactly what was going on.  I am a control freak.  I like to control things in my life and have control over what happens, how I respond, and how things turn out.  God has different ideas.  He wants us to trust Him.  So, over the last 3 1/2  years, he has taken things away from me and out of my control one by one.  I told a friend today that I have this mental picture of me white-knuckle-clutching the steering wheel of my life, and the Lord peeling my fingers, one at a time, off that steering wheel.

I have a much smaller house than I have ever lived in, I don't have the money to shop, I don't have the money to take my animals to the vet, my car started breaking down, I was diagnosed with cancer, and then my unemployment benefits ran out 2 weeks later.  He pretty much took everything in my life that I "thought" I had control over and showed me I had no control over anything!

When I was diagnosed with cancer, that was pretty much the final straw.  I couldn't take anymore.  I finally just let go of the steering wheel and let Him drive.  Since that happened, He has shown Himself in a mighty way.  An old friend and her husband (also an old friend) gave me a car (that runs like a top!).  Other friends and family have done fund raisers to raise money that has kept me and the animals fed and the bills paid.  I got into the best cancer center in the world for treatment of the cancer and, since I didn't have a job, all my treatment is covered 100%!  Another friend has volunteered to stay in my house and take care of my animals while I'm gone for treatment.  My landlord (and friend) feeds the horses for me when I can't.  The list goes on on and on.  The bottom line is this - over the last 3 1/2 years, He has shown me through many acts, events, and just plain miracles, that He is, and always has been, in control.  I have no reason to doubt that He's not going to continue to take care of me.

People are always telling me how great my attitude is, or how upbeat I am, or how amazed they are at how well I'm doing.  That's because I have literally "let go and let God."  I don't worry about things, I don't lose sleep at night, I don't stress....I just walk around in this almost etheral state of bliss.  Almost like I'm walking around in a dream state.  I'm calm, I'm peaceful, and I'm joyful.  (Of course, I do the things I need to do, e.g. go to doctor appointments, take chemo, fill out forms for assistance, etc.)   I pray that God keeps me in this state, and I pray that as things get worse, if  they get worse (God can do anything so who knows what's going to happen!), God will continue to bless me with this peace.

As I look back at my life, I have always been tremendously blessed by God and have been shown His mercy time and again, I just didn't realize it at the time.  Today I realize it, embrace it and thank God for it!  Once you let God take control of your life, it's the most freeing feeling you'll ever experience!  So, for all of you wondering how I stay positive and have such a good attitude about my circumstances, that's how.  I live in a state of Grace!  I highly recommend it!