I was adopted when I was 3 days old. My parents had been trying to have children for 10 years before they adopted me. And let me tell you, there was never a luckier baby than this one. My parents ADORED me. My mother was the perfect, loving, nurturing mother, and my dad doted on my like I was the best thing God had ever created. I remember my mom telling me that he used to go to this coffee shop downtown every weekday morning to have coffee with all his buddies. One day, when I was about 6 months old, he told my mom to get me dressed, he was taking me with him. You have to understand that my dad wasn't some mamby pamby guy...he worked as a salesman in the oil field, so whether he was tough or not was not nearly as important as the fact that he acted like he was! For him to stroll into a busy cafe at 7:00 a.m. where all his buddies were having coffee, carrying a baby and diaper bag, was a HUGE testament to his pride at being a new daddy!
Two and a half years after I as born, they adopted my sister, and two and a half years after that, SURPRISE! My mom was pregnant! Looking back, I can see how God built our family just the way He wanted it to be. Both my sisters are, and always have been, gifts that I will never be able to thank God enough for. Although when we were kids, I would have said something different lol.
I was not an easy child to raise. I was very precocious. I know that comes as a complete shock to anyone that knows me! Ha! Seriously, I wasn't a bad kid, I was just...curious. And independent. And a teensy tiny bit stubborn. So for me to have the parents I had, and the sisters I have, and the fact that they all still speak to me, says a lot about their being so loving and me being so blessed!
God put me in a home where the whole family went to church every Sunday. My parents AND us kids were in Sunday school every Sunday, and when we were old enough, we sang in the church choir and were involved in the youth groups. I don't remember if my sisters did, but I went to church camp. My great grandfather on my dad's side was a Methodist Circuit Minister. So was his dad. And after my dad died, my mother worked as the church secretary until I was in my teens. I have been so blessed to be raised in a family where I was taught who Jesus was from a very early age.
Looking back over my life, I can recall countless times that I should have been in more trouble, been injured, or even should have died in various incidents, but Jesus was looking after me and I somehow managed to survive. I was given Grace.
Maybe that's why I found it so difficult when my life started going south almost 4 years ago. I was used to having God's blessing on my life. I could not, for the life of me, find a job! I did everything in my power to find a job! I pestered friends about getting me interviews at their companies, I emailed, I called, I spent hours on the computer, etc. Nothing worked. What makes that remarkable is that I have never in my life had a problem finding a job. In fact, every job I've had since 1993 has been a job that I was recruited for. The last time I got a job from applying blindly to an ad, was in 1988. I just couldn't understand why God was blocking me!
Looking back, I see exactly what was going on. I am a control freak. I like to control things in my life and have control over what happens, how I respond, and how things turn out. God has different ideas. He wants us to trust Him. So, over the last 3 1/2 years, he has taken things away from me and out of my control one by one. I told a friend today that I have this mental picture of me white-knuckle-clutching the steering wheel of my life, and the Lord peeling my fingers, one at a time, off that steering wheel.
I have a much smaller house than I have ever lived in, I don't have the money to shop, I don't have the money to take my animals to the vet, my car started breaking down, I was diagnosed with cancer, and then my unemployment benefits ran out 2 weeks later. He pretty much took everything in my life that I "thought" I had control over and showed me I had no control over anything!
When I was diagnosed with cancer, that was pretty much the final straw. I couldn't take anymore. I finally just let go of the steering wheel and let Him drive. Since that happened, He has shown Himself in a mighty way. An old friend and her husband (also an old friend) gave me a car (that runs like a top!). Other friends and family have done fund raisers to raise money that has kept me and the animals fed and the bills paid. I got into the best cancer center in the world for treatment of the cancer and, since I didn't have a job, all my treatment is covered 100%! Another friend has volunteered to stay in my house and take care of my animals while I'm gone for treatment. My landlord (and friend) feeds the horses for me when I can't. The list goes on on and on. The bottom line is this - over the last 3 1/2 years, He has shown me through many acts, events, and just plain miracles, that He is, and always has been, in control. I have no reason to doubt that He's not going to continue to take care of me.
People are always telling me how great my attitude is, or how upbeat I am, or how amazed they are at how well I'm doing. That's because I have literally "let go and let God." I don't worry about things, I don't lose sleep at night, I don't stress....I just walk around in this almost etheral state of bliss. Almost like I'm walking around in a dream state. I'm calm, I'm peaceful, and I'm joyful. (Of course, I do the things I need to do, e.g. go to doctor appointments, take chemo, fill out forms for assistance, etc.) I pray that God keeps me in this state, and I pray that as things get worse, if they get worse (God can do anything so who knows what's going to happen!), God will continue to bless me with this peace.
As I look back at my life, I have always been tremendously blessed by God and have been shown His mercy time and again, I just didn't realize it at the time. Today I realize it, embrace it and thank God for it! Once you let God take control of your life, it's the most freeing feeling you'll ever experience! So, for all of you wondering how I stay positive and have such a good attitude about my circumstances, that's how. I live in a state of Grace! I highly recommend it!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
A Quickie
So I just published the blog to the outside world. I have copied and pasted a bunch of previous emails that will catch everyone up on me, to date. I can't get them to format correctly though. I hope that its just because I copied and pasted and that the new posts will look right, going forward. Oh well....there's a reason God didn't make me a graphic artist! Have a great weekend everyone!
Update #6 The Chemo Begins dated November 28, 2011
All Y'all,
First of all, I want to thank everyone for your continued support, well wishes, and prayers. They mean so much to me and I cherish each email and comment on FB. Please understand that I may not be able to respond to each one, but I read them all and tuck them safely away in that special corner of my heart (and email folder) where I can take them out and read them over and over again.
I just got back from Houston and my first chemo treatment. It went fine and I feel fine! I'm a little tired from the whirlwind of the last 2 days and not sleeping well last night (more on that in a minute). But I give that glory to God! He is soooooooooooo BIG! Anyway, if you don't want to read the boring details, skip the next couple of paragraphs.
We got there yesterday about 30 minutes prior to my appointment so we grabbed some lunch in the cafeteria. After I waited about 15 minutes in the waiting room, they told me I had to go get lab work done. So I did that. Then I waited another hour before they called me back. I am in the Bed Therapy unit. It's pretty nice! I get my own room with a hospital bed that is as comfortable as you can find. There is a recliner for whoever is with me that keeps them comfortable! And it has a TV and I get room service for lunch and dinner! I guess I get a bed instead of just a chair because my treatment lasts so long.
The regime is that I get a 2 hour bag of hydration (saline and electrolytes) along with 30 minutes of anti nausea drugs, and then the first chemo drug, Docetaxel (the generic for Taxotere). They do those at the same time. Then I get a 2 hour drug of Cisplatin which is very hard on my kidneys. After that, I have 2 more hours of hydration. Needless to say I had a hole run in the floor between my room and the bathroom. I had a waiter come to my room and brought me a menu for dinner. Mostly sandwiches, salads and some entrees. It was good food though. Anyway, we got out of there about 8:30 and got to the hotel room around 9:00. I didn't sleep very good, as I said, for a number of reasons, not the least of which was the frequent bathroom trips! But I also would wake up and think "Am I sick? Do I feel bad?" And I'd wait a second to see how I felt. Then "Nope! Not sick, feel fine. Thank you Lord!" and I'd go back to sleep. I'm such a dork sometimes.
Today was another day of appointments. The speech pathologist says that the radiation could (and probably will) cause scaring in my throat, making it difficult to swallow, so I will have to do swallowing exercises every day through out my radiation and for 6 months thereafter. She said the swallowing would increase blood flow to the area and cause the scaring to be minimized. She said I could develop swallowing problems even 5 or 10 years from now so the swallowing exercises will be with me for the rest of my life probably. BUT, I think God can handle that so I will do the exercises like she tells me, but I'm believing that God will make sure I have no scaring. She also said I would have hearing damage from the chemo and the radiation so I have to have a baseline hearing test the next time I go for chemo. Again, I'm trusting God to put his mighty hands over my ears and protect me. He can do that. :-) She was amazed at how well I was doing and feeling, and my upbeat attitude. I told her that was God. I also told the little dental hygienist I saw that I knew I had a bad kind of cancer and the radiation effects could be bad, but I also know I have an even bigger God! She agreed.
All in all, the trip was fine. I feel fine tonight, just tired. As soon as I send this, I'm headed to bed. Thank you again for your prayers. THEY'RE WORKING!!! God is apparently hearing every single one and answering them!
I see a lot of sickness when I go to MD Anderson. Everyone there either has cancer, has had cancer, or is directly related in some way to someone with cancer. Their struggles humble me. I see hope on some faces, and anger on others. I pray for them both. I understand the anger of those that don't know God, and I understand that even people that know the Lord can get angry, but I hope I am never one of those people. I am so blessed that He has always shown me love and mercy.
I met a young father in one of the waiting rooms I was in. He was sitting with his 4 month old daughter on his lap, playing with her and loving on her, but obviously worried. Mrs. Daughetee (Vivian's mom went with me this time, God love her!) started talking to him and found out that they were there for their 3 1/2 year old son who has brain cancer behind one eye. They've done 2 brains surgeries to remove the tumor, but it keeps coming back. I am guessing the wife was with the son in the treatment room. He said they had a 5 year old that stayed back home with his grandparents (they live north of Dallas). As I watched this young father, it just hit me again, how much worse this could be! I am so blessed!!! I can't imagine having a child with cancer. Please pray for this young family and this small child if you can. Every time I go to MDA I hear stories. Sometimes it's stories of hope and praise, other trips it's stories like this one. Both kinds of stories humble me more than you can imagine. I am so blessed.
I am participating in a 5 year radiation study that will study the effects of radiation, what therapies made it easier, and how it effected me emotionally. They gave me a big long questionnaire to complete on how I was feeling now, before the radiation started. Kinda of a baseline. I will get the same one over the course of 5 years to assess how the radiation effected me, what worked and what didn't, and what was it that either kept my attitude good or bad. It will be interesting to see how I feel 6 months from now or a year from now. It was a longggg questionnaire and had only multiple choice questions, which did not set well with me, as you can imagine. I like to write!!! One of the questions asked how many people I had in my life that I could count on to listen to me, support me, or be there at the drop of a hat for me if I needed them. I thought about that for about 2 seconds and wrote "greater than 100." And then I put a note in the margin that said "I am so blessed to have so many people in my life that love and support me that I can't even count them all." You, all of you, are the "greater than 100." I thank God for you each and every day and ask Him to bless you with His love, and to protect you.
Thank you for the honor of being someone special to you and someone you care enough about to want to be on a long, rambling, email alias. ;-)
I love you all!
Vaughn
Update #5 Dated November 19, 2011
Hi All,
Just wanted to give you a quick update. I did not start chemo on Friday morning as planned. The hospital where I had my biopsy done had not sent the pathology slides to MDA in time. Even though they were requested a month ago, they did not arrive until Thursday morning, which was not enough time for the pathology department and my oncologist to read them. He said he didn't want to prescribe chemo until he saw the slides himself and knew what he was dealing with. I'm ok with that! So the first chemo session has been scheduled for the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I will get up early that morning and drive to Houston, have the chemo, and come back on Monday. Vivian said she'd go with me again. Bless her heart!
I know there is a reason for the delays. I can feel that God is working but I have no idea what He's doing. I am just following His lead and doing what I need to do. I did meet another woman at the clinic on Thursday that has the same kind of cancer as I do and in the same places. She was there for her initial visit and was scared and anxious. I talked with her for a while and tried to ease her fears. We're going to stay in touch. Maybe that's why I was there Thursday, so I could help someone else to find the peace with this that I have. Anyway....
I'm looking forward to a fun and tasty Thanksgiving now! I even have a few days to enjoy the leftovers! :-) God is so good!!!
Thanks to everyone for your concern and prayers! They're obviously working! I'll let you know how the chemo goes when I get home.
Love to all,
Vaughn
Update #4 And So It Begins dated November 12, 2011
It's Saturday evening and I'm getting tired so this probably won't be very long. As most of you know, I spent most of the week at MD Anderson in Houston. I met with doctors, social workers, financial assistant people and even a dentist. I really liked almost everyone I met with. The exception was the dentist. It wasn't a love connection. I had another MRI, that they scheduled for 9:00 at night, which means it's really going to be 10:00 before you see anyone. That was pretty much the way all the appointments ran. But that's ok. I had no where else to go! :-)
On Thursday afternoon, my team of doctors met (the surgeon who is like my primary doctor, the medical oncologist, and the radiology oncologist) and discussed my case and what was going to be the best course of treatment. The PA for my surgeon called me late Friday afternoon with the results of the meeting.
They want to start out with what is called Induction Chemotherapy. It will be 3 treatments of chemo, spaced 21 days apart. The first one is scheduled for this coming Thursday. After the third chemo treatment, they will do another scan to see how much the cancer in my nasopharnyx and lymph glands have shrunk. Based on those findings, they'll either do radiation or radiation with chemo. I suppose if the lymph glands haven't shrunk they could do surgery to remove them, but that's never really been discussed. From what I've been told, the chemo usually works on the glands and kills the cancer in them. I asked her "what if they found no cancer anywhere after the chemo (because I'm thinking God is going to make an appearance in a big way!)...would they still do radiation?" She said she didn't know. So, I'M praying that all the cancer is killed with the chemo! I'm sure they'll still do some radiation, but I'm also praying that it won't be near as much or have near the side effects.
The chemo has side effects that could include nausea, low white and red blood cell counts, neuropathy, hearing loss, and kidney disease. I have to drink a LOT of liquids with this chemo so as not to damage my kidneys. If there is hearing loss, it will be permanent. But he said that it would probably not be a big hearing loss...mainly I won't hear high pitched sounds. Again, I'm trusting God to protect my hearing and for this chemo not to effect me that way. I'm hoping that because I'm only having 3 rounds of chemo, the side effects won't be as bad as if I were having more. Usually the side effects are what they call cumulative.
The radiologist had even less great news. They will not be doing the proton radiation like I wanted. The resident actually explained why to me better than the doctor did, but it's too long to go into in writing. Plus I need to use my hands to explain lol. Anyway, she said that my hearing would be damaged from that and it would not come back later on. She said my salivary glands, sense of taste and sense of smell would be effected, but they should come back to some degree later on (maybe even a couple of years). She said that my vocal chords might also sustain some damage but she felt like they would come back eventually too.
So, it appears that I am in for the ride of my life! None of it sounds great except that I'll be alive and cured at the end of all of it. But, I have a really big God and God trumps cancer every time! So please pray that this will all be cured with the chemo, and if they do have to do radiation, it won't be as much or as long and won't do the damage they are saying it could do. I know the Lord can do anything and fix anything, so this is my prayer. Please join me.
I will be taking my chemo in Houston, so I will leave Wednesday, have the chemo Thursday, then stay overnight Thursday night (in a motel not the hospital) to make sure I don't have any adverse reactions. My friend Vivian in going with me this time (bless her heart!) so I won't be alone. They won't give it to me if I'm alone. I have a that lives in Houston who went with me my first day (and took me to dinner one night) and she was a huge help, so I do have some support in Houston, including a couple of friends that live there.
This email probably doesn't sound too upbeat, but as I said, I'm tired and it's getting close to bedtime. I am actually putting all my faith in God and just praying that He fixes everything. I heard some amazing stories from people while I was at MDA and I can tell you without a doubt, God is alive and working!
Please pray for me that I get through this ordeal with everything still in good working order and that, of course, God gets the Glory. I know there's a reason for all of this, I just don't know what it is. And thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and good wishes so far. I have never been more acutely aware of what a wonderful life I have, and what a great group of friends and family I have, than when I was at MDA. I don't ever remember being happier to come home to my life than I was yesterday. You are all very VERY loved!
Vaughn
P.S. Ok I lied, it was not short. Seriously. Do you really think I could write a short email??? Hahahahaha! Nite nite!
Update #3 dated October 28, 2011
All,
I just got off the phone with MD Anderson and my financial aid application has been accepted!!!! I am going to be able to get my treatment at MD Anderson!!! If they treat my cancer like they have other peoples that have the same type, it will be MUCH better, in terms of side effects and quality of life after the treatment. My first Dr. appointment with them is November 8th. I'm not sure if I have to go and stay and them start treatment immediately, or if I will come home then go back for the duration when I start my treatment.
Thank you ALL for praying for me and for this situation. He heard our prayers and answered. He is an awesome God and I am humbled by His love and kindness. I am blessed.
As I know more, I'll keep you all informed. Thank you again!
Love to all,
Vaughn
Update #2 dated October 12, 2011
All,
Just a quick update and some big PRAISE! First of all, my sister, Valerie, who has been taking chemo for 18 weeks for breast cancer, had her mastectomy yesterday. When she was diagnosed back in May, the PET scan showed she had a tumor in her breast and it had spread to lymph nodes. Yesterday, when the doctor biopsied those lymph nodes during the surgery, they came back negative!!!! The cancer was killed in those lymph nodes by the chemo. Well, it was killed by God, but He used chemo I think. :-)
And then today, I went to the radiology oncologist and he had the results of my scans. PRAISE GOD, the cancer has not metastasized past the lymph nodes that we already knew about!!! GREAT NEWS!!! All the prayers you've prayed for me were heard and answered! When I was told it was negative it felt like a 10 ton weight had been lifted off me. And of course, I cried.
I am still going through the process of trying to get into MD Anderson, and think I'll know something within a week. I'm cautiously optimistic.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support! They are OBVIOUSLY working!!!
Love,
Vaughn
The First Update
I have been sending out update emails to a group of friends and family who tell me they want to know what's going on with me. As I continue to update them, I realize that these emails are getting long and cumbersome. So in the interests of time (and keeping friends!), I decided to repost these emails to this blog and, going forward, will put all my updates on this site instead of sending out long winded emails. That way people can check them at their leisure. So here is the first update I sent:
September 26, 2011
September 26, 2011
All,
I apologize for not getting this out sooner. After my meeting last Wednesday with the oncologist, I was completely overwhelmed and honestly just could not vocalize my thoughts. It's taken a couple of days to wrap my head around all of this. But in essence, this is where I am right now and this is what the oncologist told me...
The standard treatment for this type of cancer is chemo and radiation. The chemo is 3 treatments, each 3 weeks apart. The radiation is 5 days a week for 7 weeks. I do them both together. Then I'll have another 3 rounds of chemo (once every 3 weeks) after I'm done with radiation. The chemo comes with the normal side effects (nausea and vomiting, fatigue) but also comes with some issues with low red blood cell count, so they will have to take my blood every week and I may have to have blood transfusions.
Everyone that has this radiation has side effects that affect your quality of life, but the degree of the effects is different for each person. Generally, people lose their sense of taste and smell. They lose the ability to produce saliva which brings a whole host of other problems with it. If your mouth isn't constantly moist, bacteria grows in it and causes tooth decay and all kinds of problems with your teeth and mouth in general. Because of this, I have to get my teeth cleaned and checked and have any dental work done that is necessary (cavities being filled, teeth being pulled, etc) prior to starting treatment. After about the 2nd week of radiation treatment, my throat is going to become so sore (and dry) that swallowing and eating will be very painful, so a lot of times they insert a feeding tube into your stomach so you can get nourishment. People usually lose a lot of weight with this treatment (the bright side for me! I've always been a "glass half full" kinda girl! Haha!).
Because of the harsh side effects of the radiation, I'm going to try to get into MD Anderson for treatment. They have a different kind of radiation, Proton radiation, and it has a much finer beam to pinpoint the cancer and cause less damage to surrounding tissue. I have been told that they may not accept me if I am on a county medical plan (which they are trying to set me up for for my dental procedures). I have to be accepted for treatment first (I should know something by Wednesday), then I go through the financial aid process. I hope this is God's will. I have a friend who has volunteered to live in my house and take care of my animals for the 2 months I'd have to be gone.
All of the above treatment plan is based on the assumption the cancer has not spread. They are trying to schedule a CT scan, bone scan, and MRI for me to determine this, but I have not heard back from them for an appt. date or time yet. If the cancer has spread, I'm sure treatment will be much more aggressive.
I'm NOT looking forward to any of this! I guess my prayer request would be to pray for the cancer to not have spread and for MD Anderson to grant aid and care so that I can have the less harsh treatment and the side effects will be less severe.
I know this is going to be a hard road but I also know that there is a plan and, while it may not seem very good right now, in the big scheme of things, it's going to be perfect. God is sovereign. He can't make a mistake. So, I'm doing everything in my power to keep my faith strong and keep moving forward.
Again, I'm so sorry I have not sent something out sooner. Between the cancer and all that that encompasses, the financial aid for the cancer, the hoops at MD Anderson, and just trying to figure out how to pay the bills from day to day, I've got a lot of moving pieces in my life right now and it gets kind of overwhelming sometimes. But as things develop, I'll let you know.
I want to thank all of you who have emailed and called and offered to help and already done so much for me. You have no idea how much it helps and how much it means to me! Without you, I don't know how I'd be doing this. I know God is here and He shows Himself to me through all of you every single day.
I love you all!
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