I was diagnosed on August 30, 2011 with nasopharyngeal cancer. People keep telling me that I need to start a journal or blog, so I here I am! I suppose this blog will be about my journey through this season of my life. It will be interesting to see exactly what I choose to disclose in this blog and what I will keep locked away, private for only me and God to know.
I have never been one to keep a diary or journal. Well, that's not entirely true. I kept a diary when I was a teenager, but when I go back and read it I roll my eyes and wonder how in the world my mother every lived through raising me! I was sooooooo full of angst! Where on earth did that come from??? Life was so dramatic and full of teenage hormonal emotions! I thank God every day for giving me to the mother He gave me to, and I thank Him for this for many reasons, not the least of which is that she didn't kill me through this period in my life!
Back to the present...
I originally went to the doctor because I'd been running a low grade fever and had swollen lymph glands in my neck for about 3 months. I might have had the swollen lymph glands longer than that, but that's the first I noticed them. After many different diagnostic tests (x-rays, MRI's, blood tests for every disease known to man, and 2 rounds of antibiotics), my primary care physician sent me to an E.N.T (Ear Nose and Throat doctor).
The E.N.T calmly examined me, my mouth and throat and nose, and almost off-handedly said, "I want to do a biopsy on you, which will require surgery. I have a spot open on Friday morning." This was Wednesday afternoon! Now, I have had a LOT of different surgeries in my life, but the thought of having surgery in less than 48 hours caught me off-balance.
And so it went. I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 Friday morning and there was no way I was going to ask someone to take me to the hospital at that time of day, so I ordered a cab. In the meantime, I asked my landlord if she'd feed the horses for me that morning (there are 5 - my 2, hers, and the other tenants 2). I told a few close friends and asked them to pray for me. I called my family and told them. That was about all the people I told. Shoot, that was about the only people I had TIME to tell!
One of my friends wanted to know who was going with me. When I told her no one, she insisted on coming to the hospital and at least bringing me home. My sister had been adamant that she was going to take me,. but there is no way I was going to make her get up in the middle of the night to drive me to the hospital! She has breast cancer and had a chemo treatment later that day. She needed her rest!
The bottom line is, I just didn't think much of this surgery. It wasn't going to be a big deal. He was going to insert a Laryngascope down my throat and look around, he was going to open a salivary gland that had a stone (who know salivary glands could have stones?!) and biopsy the glands on each side of my neck. The surgery would only last about an hour and a half, and as soon as I was awake and cognizant, I could go home. No biggie. At least I didn't think it was.
I had been on a mission trip to Guatemala back in November and I was just sure that I had brought home some foreign disease that our antibiotics could not cure. I didn't think I had cancer. I didn't feel like I had cancer. But in hindsight I had to ask myself, "What on earth does it feel like to have cancer Vaughn?" Sometimes I scare myself. It's a flat miracle from God that I've lived as long as I have!
When I woke up my mouth and throat hurt. I thought I must have bitten my tongue because it had sores on it and was very very sore. My whole mouth was sore...inside of my cheeks, tongue, under my tongue, etc. And I had all this drainage that made my throat hurt when I tried to hack it up (lovely visual, I know). I didn't eat much all weekend. My throat and mouth hurt too much and I had absolutely no taste buds working. I tried to eat a salad at one point and I tasted nothing. All I got out of it was that the salad leaves scratched my tongue. That's how sensitive it was. One friend bought me popsicles and another friend brought me ice cream. I lived on popsicles and milkshakes all weekend. Now THOSE hit the spot!
On Tuesday morning of the following week I had an appointment with the doctor to find out the results of the biopsy. My sister went with me. At first he examined my mouth and informed me I had (of all things!) Thrush! How in the world did I manage to develop thrush?!?! He said it "just happens" sometimes. But that explains why I didn't taste anything and the lettuce felt like it scratched my tongue. Then he sat back, put his hand on my arm (I knew that wasn't a good sign) and told me I had nasopharyngeal cancer.
Time stood still. I watched him talk and tried to comprehend everything he was saying but honestly, I felt like the whole world had just stopped. It's hard to explain the feeling but if you've ever been diagnosed with cancer, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It was everything I could do to concentrate on the words that were coming out of his mouth. I heard a faint ringing in the background and felt like it would get louder and louder and drowned out everything he was saying unless I tried very hard to hear him.
He said he would set me up with an oncologist and that this was very treatable and had a high cure rate. That was good news. He said I'd probably have chemo and radiation and wouldn't need surgery unless the chemo didn't dissolve the cancer in my lymph glands, which it did most of the time. He said there was no tumor. The cancer was "submucosal" or under the skin in the flat cells. How far it had spread out or down, he didn't know. He said the oncologist would do scans to determine that and also to see if it had spread anywhere else in my body. He said it looked like (on the MRI that was done) that it had only spread to a lymph gland on each side of my neck, and if that was the case, it probably hadn't spread any farther. More good news.
My doctors made the appointment with the oncologist, but I've had to wait 3 weeks for that appointment, which is tomorrow. As anxious as I've been to get going on this, I find myself, on the eve of the oncologist visit, a bit apprehensive. This is really where the journey begins. The appointment tomorrow will tell me how the rest of my life will be affected. What pain I'll have to endure, how long I'll be out of commission, and how the rest of my life will be lived. If I let it, the thoughts will get overwhelming. But I won't let it. Why? How? Because I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and I know that whatever I'm about to face, He'll be there with me, holding my hand.
I don't know how any of this is going to end, or even play out at this point, but I know that my fate rests securely in the Hand of God and that if I follow Him and live with Him as my Wonderful Counselor, I will be fine.
Even if I don't get well and I die, what's so bad about that? I go to heaven for pete's sake! Please understand, I don't want to die - I have a lot of things I still want to do and I'm going to fight this disease! But if that's God's plan, so be it. And who knows? Maybe I am going through these trials in my life because He is going to do something great with it. Maybe someone is going to see His glory and give their life to Him. Maybe, through my journey, others will draw strength in God. Maybe it will draw them into a closer relationship with Christ. Maybe, just maybe (to borrow a scripture from the Bible), I was put in this place, at this time, for such a time as this. Who knows?
One thing I do know is that Jesus is my savior and God is my father and the Holy Spirit speaks to me and guides me each and every day, and if I have these three - The Trinity - in my life, everything else is going to be fine. I've read the Book. I know how it ends.
